Thanks to an amazing friend for this idea I hope you find the answers your looking for in yourself.
I wish I did this before and I wish it helped but unfortunately for me it reminds me of the things I will never have or that I hate but for some reason I feel I wanted it listed so I can remind myself more about who I am and why my situations are as they are and will remain so.....
so lets begin.
Likes
I like my friends, I like helping people, I like the fact I am not like a lot of people, I like my stupid humour my idiot comments, my style in all aspects, I love the escape from life I get from video games, films, cartoons, music, reading and even alcohol at times, I like my family, hell I love them as well as my friends, I love the fact I enjoy or know things that are not usually enjoyed or known, I love you more (hopefully if you ever read this you will smile), I love making people smile, I like being the fool, I like how no matter how I feel I will also put people i care about first, I like the people who I fall for not because they are attractive, but that they make me feel like me and I hope I make them feel the same, because they have a personality I fall for, I like how even today I act like I'm 12, I like the rain, miserable weather and things that make miserable moods make me smile, I like my pets, I like animals and I like being with people I can't live without.
That's all I have with that for now.
Dislikes
I dislike everything I think above some a lot more than others and some not as much, I hate how I make myself feel, I dislike bullies, gossips, bitch and make people hate and turn on other people, I hate every other male in the world because no matter how I think of it I cannot compete with them in any field, on any stage or any for of life, I hate how I cannot change myself let alone let people help me, I dislike how I cannot actually help people but just provide an ear and a silly comment and I hate how I put up barriers, make excuses, put myself down and feel nothing but inadequate even if its a good day or I think I'm happy.
These are again all I have on these but it leaves me thinking why do I do nothing but want to help everyone and better everyone but never find a way to help myself nor allow people in to help me, why I feel even if I fell for someone and god forbid I thought I may actually have a chance even if it was the right time and moment after all the trouble I would still want to help them find someone better, make them know i am the worst choice and even go out of my way to make myself less appealing or more inadequate then I do myself. I don't know why I think and sometimes do all these things but I know if I didn't I would then not forgive myself for if anything did go well for a while and I stupidly or possibly hurt someone or made them make a mistake. I simply wouldn't be able to live with myself, I have made bad decisions but for the other person they turned out for the better, so I think I do it cause as always I would rather see others happy than myself. I feel like any general protagonist in manga or anime where I would rather suffer the pain and punishment for the sake of the people I care for and so they lived a happier life the only difference is my pain and punishment is self inflicted and even if there was a chance I could have a shred of happiness along side them I would still take the lonesome path and go that extra mile to secure safety and love for all I care for.
If the person I wrote this for reads this, know I am a huge idiot but I will still be in the background if it goes the way I think it will and for anyone else who reads this know any way that I am a huge idiot and I apologise for wasting your time as you read this. I may add more to this blog but we will see which path I walk down in this brief page of my life.
To be continued....
