If only it was this easy

Damn it , I stupidly like someone and have liked them since I met them and I'm try my best to be a friend but the writing below will sort of show my feelings and what I wish I had the courage to say and what the outcome anyone who would say this would want, sort of.

If you click on the purple writing you will find a video and I chose that video because unfortunately it's how I feel and what I wanna say. I know it would never turn out like this but it will be on here as a sort of hope or wish.
If only It was this easy

This is one of the many reasons I am trying my best to get rid of all feelings and become completely numb of emotions really, because why would I want feelings as the section above sort of shows that they only get in the way, they will possibly ruin friendships for people who, far be it I wish I had more with but oh well, I care about and don't want my jealously and other feelings to get in the way and ruin anything.

Until next time.

Questions. Thoughts. Opinions.... Feelings

Last night, as many nights have been as of late, I didn't get much sleep. Quite a bit on my mind last night, the way my mum said goodbye last night before they went to bed (they have gone to New York for the weekend for my sisters 16th and left at 3 am) she said it like an, in case they never come back kind of good bye, she also left a note that said she loved me very much, I love my family and only wish I could help or make them happier sometimes.

I also started to think about the rest of my life, if I never achieved my dreams, or goals of at least completing university, if I could never make something of myself, if I let down myself and my family and friends, if I never found or went for a chance with the person I want to be with, of thinking maybe if I failed at everything like I feel I will would ending it all be better for everyone, I wouldn't be a bother, a nuisance, a drain or in the way. I started thinking how would I do it, what would I leave or say or write, would people besides my family even care, how much of an impact or mark have I left on this earth?

I feel like a spec that or spot that just gets picked or scratched off cause I'm just an annoying blemish in peoples lives that gets in the way. I try to be nice to people, I know I'm too nice to a lot of people that possibly don't deserve it or shouldn't get as much but I feel everyone deserves that kindness and generosity, well all except me, I don't even know why, is it because I get hurt or have hurt others I don't deserve another chance and should be just a feeling less giver who tries to help everyone else even if I get repaid in anger, unkind, hatred. Yet for some reason I would be happy with that as long as they were all happy I wouldn't care how my outcome came from my actions as long as it was in everyone else's interest.

Another that I keep thinking about, Love, emotions and feelings, whats the point in me having them I feel and love those that I know I wouldn't have a chance with or don't have a chance with, currently I have stupidly fallen for someone that isn't ready for anything and doesn't know what she wants yet, even though I know once she makes up her minds I wont be on the list, hell I sometimes feel I am able to be there at all as it is. There are better people for her I know I'd never be the one she deserves. Whats in it for her if she had me, stupidity, awkward, fat, yes I'm nice and caring and have my funny moments but its met with a lot of upset and even though I am sometimes never happier except for when I'm near her I know I'm not worth her time. I wish I could say I'd love to do what the songs I've been listening to say and just not let her out of my life but there as a friend and just like I have or have tried with others I will be there for her but even then there are better alternatives for her as friends, such as her ex, her friends who see her more and even the guy she likes and especially the person she eventually ends up with. I wish her nothing but happiness but there are times as always where I feel my happiness or shared happiness is always a pipe dream, a forgotten or missed chance and and I'm glad she never took that leap of faith for me cause I bet I'd only let her down as I do with everyone and everything else in my life.

All I can say is my place is most probably known and my purpose identified,

I just need to throw away feelings and emotions forget all thoughts and just be there as a friend for everyone but be friends with no one I can't lose or get hurt by people I don't feel for but will always be there to help them feel and care for.

I may come back with another post, you never know what will happen.

My likes and dislikes and why i'm sick of myself

Thanks to an amazing friend for this idea I hope you find the answers your looking for in yourself.
I wish I did this before and I wish it helped but unfortunately for me it reminds me of the things I will never have or that I hate but for some reason I feel I wanted it listed so I can remind myself more about who I am and why my situations are as they are and will remain so.....
so lets begin.

Likes

I like my friends, I like helping people, I like the fact I am not like a lot of people, I like my stupid humour  my idiot comments, my style in all aspects, I love the escape from life I get from video games, films, cartoons, music, reading and even alcohol at times, I like my family, hell I love them as well as my friends, I love the fact I enjoy or know things that are not usually enjoyed or known, I love you more (hopefully if you ever read this you will smile), I love making people smile, I like being the fool, I like how no matter how I feel I will also put people i care about first, I like the people who I fall for not because they are attractive, but that they make me feel like me and I hope I make them feel the same, because they have a personality I fall for, I like how even today I act like I'm 12, I like the rain, miserable weather and things that make miserable moods make me smile, I like my pets, I like animals and I like being with people I can't live without.

That's all I have with that for now.

Dislikes

I dislike everything I think above some a lot more than others and some not as much, I hate how I make myself feel, I dislike bullies, gossips, bitch and make people hate and turn on other people, I hate every other male in the world because no matter how I think of it I cannot compete with them in any field, on any stage or any for of life, I hate how I cannot change myself let alone let people help me, I dislike how I cannot actually help people but just provide an ear and a silly comment and I hate how I put up barriers, make excuses, put myself down and feel nothing but inadequate even if its a good day or I think I'm happy.

These are again all I have on these but it leaves me thinking why do I do nothing but want to help everyone and better everyone but never find a way to help myself nor allow people in to help me, why I feel even if I fell for someone and god forbid I thought I may actually have a chance even if it was the right time and moment after all the trouble I would still want to help them find someone better, make them know i am the worst choice and even go out of my way to make myself less appealing or more inadequate then I do myself. I don't know why I think and sometimes do all these things but I know if I didn't I would then not forgive myself for if anything did go well for a while and I stupidly or possibly hurt someone or made them make a mistake. I simply wouldn't be able to live with myself, I have made bad decisions but for the other person they turned out for the better, so I think I do it cause as always I would rather see others happy than myself. I feel like any general protagonist in manga or anime where I would rather suffer the pain and punishment for the sake of the people I care for and so they lived a happier life the only difference is my pain and punishment is self inflicted and even if there was a chance I could have a shred of happiness along side them I would still take the lonesome path and go that extra mile to secure safety and love for all I care for.

If the person I wrote this for reads this, know I am a huge idiot but I will still be in the background if it goes the way I think it will and for anyone else who reads this know any way that I am a huge idiot and I apologise for wasting your time as you read this. I may add more to this blog but we will see which path I walk down in this brief page of my life.

To be continued....