Last night, as many nights have been as of late, I didn't get much sleep. Quite a bit on my mind last night, the way my mum said goodbye last night before they went to bed (they have gone to New York for the weekend for my sisters 16th and left at 3 am) she said it like an, in case they never come back kind of good bye, she also left a note that said she loved me very much, I love my family and only wish I could help or make them happier sometimes.
I also started to think about the rest of my life, if I never achieved my dreams, or goals of at least completing university, if I could never make something of myself, if I let down myself and my family and friends, if I never found or went for a chance with the person I want to be with, of thinking maybe if I failed at everything like I feel I will would ending it all be better for everyone, I wouldn't be a bother, a nuisance, a drain or in the way. I started thinking how would I do it, what would I leave or say or write, would people besides my family even care, how much of an impact or mark have I left on this earth?
I feel like a spec that or spot that just gets picked or scratched off cause I'm just an annoying blemish in peoples lives that gets in the way. I try to be nice to people, I know I'm too nice to a lot of people that possibly don't deserve it or shouldn't get as much but I feel everyone deserves that kindness and generosity, well all except me, I don't even know why, is it because I get hurt or have hurt others I don't deserve another chance and should be just a feeling less giver who tries to help everyone else even if I get repaid in anger, unkind, hatred. Yet for some reason I would be happy with that as long as they were all happy I wouldn't care how my outcome came from my actions as long as it was in everyone else's interest.
Another that I keep thinking about, Love, emotions and feelings, whats the point in me having them I feel and love those that I know I wouldn't have a chance with or don't have a chance with, currently I have stupidly fallen for someone that isn't ready for anything and doesn't know what she wants yet, even though I know once she makes up her minds I wont be on the list, hell I sometimes feel I am able to be there at all as it is. There are better people for her I know I'd never be the one she deserves. Whats in it for her if she had me, stupidity, awkward, fat, yes I'm nice and caring and have my funny moments but its met with a lot of upset and even though I am sometimes never happier except for when I'm near her I know I'm not worth her time. I wish I could say I'd love to do what the songs I've been listening to say and just not let her out of my life but there as a friend and just like I have or have tried with others I will be there for her but even then there are better alternatives for her as friends, such as her ex, her friends who see her more and even the guy she likes and especially the person she eventually ends up with. I wish her nothing but happiness but there are times as always where I feel my happiness or shared happiness is always a pipe dream, a forgotten or missed chance and and I'm glad she never took that leap of faith for me cause I bet I'd only let her down as I do with everyone and everything else in my life.
All I can say is my place is most probably known and my purpose identified,
I just need to throw away feelings and emotions forget all thoughts and just be there as a friend for everyone but be friends with no one I can't lose or get hurt by people I don't feel for but will always be there to help them feel and care for.
I may come back with another post, you never know what will happen.
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